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‘Ma faute’: recognising toxic relationships in love and friendship
French audio narration · original article
ISRC FRZ052500048ISRC TCAGF2260833ISRC FRZ052500334ISRC FRZ052500407The title Ma faute contains just two words, but asks a much larger question: why do we sometimes end up feeling responsible for what someone else puts us through? Marine sets a painful relationship to music, one in which attachment no longer protects judgement. We no longer ask only what the other person did; we search for what we ourselves might have provoked.
This feature does not label every conflict ‘toxic’ or diagnose anyone. It examines repeated behaviours: control, humiliation, isolation, fear and blame. The useful question is not ‘what is the other person’s true nature?’, but what does this relationship do to my freedom, safety and perception of myself?
When blame becomes a reflex
After jealousy, humiliation or a threat, the person targeted may replay the scene looking for something they could have done to prevent it. This search gives an illusion of control: if everything depends on me, perhaps I can stop the next episode.
Guilt may also be actively reinforced: ‘you pushed me too far’, ‘you’re too sensitive’, ‘after everything I’ve done for you’. Gradually, lived experience is challenged and inner judgement weakens. Ma faute gives direct form to this shift: an accusation from outside ends up speaking in our own voice.
Conflict alone does not define coercive control
All relationships involve disagreements. In a conflict between equals, each person can express a view, acknowledge a mistake and seek repair without fearing punishment. Disagreement remains bounded; it does not become a way of organising the relationship.
Coercive control, by contrast, rests on repetition and unequal power. One person progressively imposes rules and uses fear, obligation, guilt or isolation to reduce the other’s choices. Peaceful moments can be sincere and matter deeply; they do not erase this pattern when it recurs.
What to consider together
- Control: demanding passwords, monitoring movements, friendships, clothing or spending.
- Isolation: disparaging loved ones, provoking arguments with them or making every outing emotionally costly.
- Denigration: ridiculing, humiliating or consistently portraying the other as incapable and oversensitive.
- Blame: making them responsible for anger, threats or behaviour they do not control.
- Alternation: following crises with promises and intensely affectionate periods without lasting change.
- Fear: adjusting words, gestures or plans to avoid a reaction.
- Threats: threatening self-harm, disclosure of information, reputational damage or assault.
An isolated sign does not always tell the whole story. Repetition, intensity and the loss of freedom they cause are decisive. Fear is particularly important: a relationship should not require organising life around another person’s reactions.
Friendship can also involve coercive control
These mechanisms extend beyond couples. A friendship may operate through exclusivity, obligation or fear of displeasing. Someone demands priority, punishes other relationships, reveals confidences or alternates admiration and contempt.
Because there are fewer shared narratives about violence and separation in friendship, it can be harder to name. ‘Just distance yourself’ overlooks years of memories, a shared group, material dependence or fear of retaliation. The lack of official status does not weaken the bond’s power.
Why leaving is never a simple question
Staying means neither consent nor approval. Attachment, hope of returning to good times, shame, fear and exhaustion can hold someone back. Housing, money, support or a safe digital space may also be missing.
Happy periods are not necessarily imaginary. They are part of the history and explain why separation costs so much. But they do not cancel violence. Alternating tension and reconciliation may even strengthen the hope that the relationship will finally return to its beginning.
Finding firm ground again
- Name the facts. Recording events, dates and their effects helps resist confusion.
- Talk to someone reliable. A trusted person, healthcare professional or association can offer an outside perspective without deciding for you.
- Secure what you can. Documents, digital access, evidence and useful contacts should be kept somewhere safe.
- Observe responses to boundaries. A boundary that is heard can be discussed; a boundary that is punished reveals a power relationship.
- Prepare before announcing. Where threats or violence exist, seeking help before separating may provide greater protection.
Helping without taking control
To support someone, believe their account, remind them they are not responsible and offer concrete help. ‘Leave immediately’ can deepen shame if they cannot yet do so, or expose them to additional danger.
Ask what they need, remain available, accompany them towards professional help and avoid directly confronting the person responsible. The priority is not winning an argument about the relationship, but strengthening safety and freedom of choice.
After the relationship, control may still speak
Separation does not instantly remove a relationship’s effects. Hypervigilance, fear of trusting, guilt or a constant need to check one has done nothing wrong may remain. Rediscovering tastes, loved ones and the ability to say no is part of rebuilding.
Ma faute turns an inner accusation into a question. Understanding another person’s history or wounds never obliges anyone to endure their actions. Guilt may reflect enduring control; it does not prove wrongdoing.
Need help
In France, in immediate danger call 17 or 112. The 3919 service provides information and guidance to women experiencing violence and those around them. The official portal also offers online contact with police or gendarmerie.
If your phone or browsing is monitored, use a safe device where possible. Do not confront a violent person alone; prepare next steps with a professional or support association.
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